Black Metal Ist Albern

Asenheim is a one-man German band playing some of the weirdest, most amateur, fucked up black metal there is. Headed by a mysterious entity known as Tiwaz, this is just the sort of outsider retard art that makes me wet myself. Bands like this are Cosmic Hearse's raison d'être. This is the reason black metal rules, like the early days of punk, anyone can do it. Any sullen misanthropic teenager with a guitar and simple recording software can be a "band", and while the results may not always be musically competent, they're often brilliant. As is the case with Asenheim. First let's study the cover art, a drawing of a stumpy black metal warrior (presumably Tiwaz) alone in the wilderness, surrounded by Elhaz runes fashioned from sticks and adorned with bloody skulls and bones. Under the full moon's glow, he thrusts his mighty sword into the center of a pentagram drawn in the snow. In theory it sounds cool enough, however the execution seems like that of an adolescent boy. Nonetheless, it is a most fitting cover for Ahnenpfade, Asenheim's first full-length album. Almost all the songs on Ahnenpfade start with a lone clean guitar intro having nothing to do with the all out bedroom black metal assault to ensue. The vocals are mixed very high, the drum machine is small and cheap sounding, and the arrangements are peppered with random out-of-key synths. And this goes on for an hour, 15 songs ending with a cover of Absurd 's Der Sieg Ist Unser. Genius!

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