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I am taking a break from giving you all weird albums to let you know about the Tankcrimes Brainsqueeze fest. All the info you need is in this genius infomercial made by members of such luminary bands as Voetsek, Impaled, Kicker, Dystopia, and Ghoul. No need to thank me, just go, unless you are a pussy.

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Headhunters

Herbie Hancock's classic 1973 album Headhunters is just so infunktious and beautifully executed I can't imagine anyone not loving it. Headhunters is like a hot day off in your favorite city with no obligations, so the possibilities are endless. Go have some ice cream, smoke some rat weed out of an apple in your favorite park, throw a frisbee to a dog, finally break the ice with that cute guy or girl you been thinking about. Life is good, but it is short, get crackin'.

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Crimson

So many bands called Witchcraft over the years, but this is the currently best-known, the Swedish retro-cool heavy psych band. Here's a very limited 7" they released between their absolutely perfect self-titled debut and their so-so second album Firewood. The a-side "If Crimson Was Your Color" is a stomping heavy psych piece complete with organ flourishes and lyrics about dragons and demons or some shit. The b-side "I Know You Killed Someone" is standard blues rock. Funny, but these two songs seem more authentic early 70s than anything else in their catalog. As much as I wanted to hate this band when every body was grooming their svenne nads a few years back, I just can't, they're just too good..

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Some talk show host guy and some Australian band make a record together.

This guy was in some band that was influential in the '80s, wrote some books, appeared in "The Chase" alongside Charlie Sheen and Ron Jeremy, and now has a talk show that I am not sure people watch. Along the way (1991) that guy met up with a band from Australia. They made a little record to pay tribute to another band from Australia who had a lot of songs that sounded the same about rock and getting laid. There is a b-side too that sounds exactly like what you might think a pairing of these two entities might sound. Why this was made, I am not certain. Not that it is bad, but not exactly necessary either.

Rock

Sathanas Necrocunt

Perhaps it is time this blog gave Paul Von Aphid his own tag. The guy responsible for Hearse favorites, Zaaku and Demon City Reaper, has once again graced us with another taste of strangely harsh and compelling musickness in the form of a new project called Sathanas Necrocunt. The band name and the demo's title Nunraping Tormentor From Hell should give you some idea as to what this sounds like. Pretty soon Paul Aphid will just be a genre unto himself.

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Frontiers

There are a few things that Italy excels at: film, political corruption, and melodramatic '70s prog. So far we've had our cervelli thoroughly vaffunculo by the sonic spaghetti of such greats as Teoremi, Raminghi, and Jacula, and now let's add Procession to that list with their brilliant 1972 album, Frontiera. Procession's forays into guitar-oriented heavier psych and blues rock is far more appealing than much of the jazz-influenced pasta being served by many of the Italian prog bands of the time. Get super alto con i vostro amici, tossicomani.

Qui

Sealings vs. Lois Magic

Sealings, whose debut tape that was featured on Terminal Escape and then here, go toe to toe and blow for blow with Lois Magic. Both bands hail from London and play minimalist electronic deathpunk with a lo-fi bent that reminds us of our favorite uber-fucked Black Metal tapes. Sealings are the more mopey of the two, while Lois Magic are considerably more noisy. Pretty close one here, but Sealings just has better songs. Lois Magic put up a great fight though.

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Tellurian

Here's Tellurian's one and only EP, the confusingly titled Reborn. Not sure when this was recorded, sounds like it could easily have been made in 1978, but it was in fact released in 2006. I can't find any information on these guys, which is a shame because this little record is so fucking good. Sabbathy classic doom via NWOBHM deliciousness that leaves me wanting more. Why does something this fantastic remain as obscure as an unmarked epitaph in fog clad English countryside cemetery? Anyone have any info on Tellurian?

R.I.P.

Dead and Desperate

Today is all about one of Florida's earliest punk bands, The U-Boats, and their second single Dead and Desperate. Sure they weren't as cool as Roach Motel or Hated Youth, but dude, this was 1982 in Tampa, and that fucking guitar tone is pretty dirty. To get an idea of how isolated these guys may have been from what was going on in the world of punk, take a look at the picture of them on the back cover looking like a third tier NWOBHM band complete with downy mustaches and headbands. Cool in it's uncoolness, naively charming proto-punk from the dick state.

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Unsilent Hate

Deathchurch hailed from Japan and were sort of like the Black Metal Confuse in the way that they favored an abrasive hiss of white noise to cloak their violent riffs in. Unsilent Hate Anthem, was their final statement and was released in 2007 after they called it quits. This isn't happy Black Metal for weddings and funerals. This is some hectic sarin gas in the subway shit. Fuck You!!!

憎悪

Cemetery Earth

Cemetery Earth were a young Pennsylvanian Death Metal band that had Jack Gannon of Hearse favorites Deteriorate lending his nauseating voice. The band only eked out one disgusting demo in 1992 called Here Rest Remains From Centuries Demise, then they changed their name to the decidedly fruitier Mourn Thy Passing. This is pummeling Death Metal of the mud-caked maggot-ridden corpse variety. No technical wankery fretboard acrobatics here, just bile and filth.

Die!

Deadmen

And speaking of standup motherfuckers who send me cool shit, Carl Byers of Coffinworm sent me a spankin' new 7" by his other band Deadmen, and it is a fucking doozie. Imagine later Entombed meets Dazzling Killmen (remember them?) meets some later Killing Joke, yeah, bitch, it's that good. With Deadmen, the aforementioned Coffinworm, Kata Sarkha, and World Eater, Indianapolis may go from being known for auto racing, drunk driving killer cops, and shitty meth to being the next great scene in the U.S. for dummy pummel sludge metal. Seriously, this fucking kills. Thanks Carl.

Possess

Yog Sothoth

One of the greatest perks of doing Cosmic Hearse is the scores of amazing bloggers I have met as a result. Doug Allison, who runs the consistently awesome Scummified blog is one such individual. The guy is a paragon of good taste as evidenced by his blog's content, but Doug kicked it up a notch when he sat down to create some weirdo Black Metal that seems almost tailor-made for the eccentric tastes of the Hearse, dude even gave the project a Lovecraftian name and some primitive artwork as well, thorough. Thanks, Doug.

Rise!!!

Blowfly's Zodiac

Now I don't believe in Astrology, but that is probably because I am not a girl or an idiot. I DO believe in Blowfly, so when he says by being a Libra, I love to smell toilet seats, who am I to argue? Fuck that Harvey Sid Fisher guy, he don't know shit about pussy.

What's Your Sign?

Kuman!

You couldn't possibly resist that custom rape van fantasy art cover, and then you see the text declaring this to be some sort of "Rock Opera," and right about now you are hoping that it is indeed a Mexican rock opera about a Tarzan-like character named Kuman, with music composed and performed by the premier Mexico City AOR/Heavy Metal/Prog band, Cristal y Acero (Crystal and Steel for our readers that failed Spanish 1.) Well, buddy, it is just that, and it is every bit as awesome as you had hoped. Cristal y Acero was the concern of the Carrion brothers, Ricardo and Eduardo JR., who happen to be the sons of Eduardo Carrion, a member of the immensely popular group Los Hermanos Carrion, the Mexican Everly Brothers. Maybe having a famous padre helped, but Kuman actually came to fruition as play, and enjoyed great success in 1984. Don't believe me? Check out this YouTube clip, it's like that episode of Get A Life when Chris stars in Zoo Animals on Wheels. Now as unappealing as that clip makes Kuman seem, I gotta say, this album has given me much pleasure, and not all of it ironic. Like any rock opera worth a glance, it's a grandiose, inflated work that melds a myriad of styles with little restraint or care for good taste, and I love it. The experience isn't even hampered by the fact that I failed Spanish 1, all the glory of Kuman's epic adventures are evident anyways.

KUMAN!!!

Up The Antons!!!

You had to know that this would end up here eventually. Here's the story: Around 1999 a CDR started making the rounds of a 19 year old Swedish youth named Anton Gustafsson struggling to hit the notes over midi files of classic Iron Maiden tunes. So horrible and endearing, many thought it was a hoax, and the liner notes declaring Anton's love of collecting novelty pencils didn't help. Anton took a lot of flack from Maiden diehards who saw his tribute as insulting, but this didn't stop Anton, the songs kept coming. Anton Maiden, as he was now called, enjoyed the sort of fleeting notoriety that the internet will offer any moderately lovable weirdo. But alas it was all too fleeting and Anton, like many despondent Scandinavians, opted to take his own life in 2003.

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Stargazer vs. Invocation

Two magically odd and extremely kvlt Death Metal bands from down under do battle on this obscure split CD from 1999. First up is Stargazer, their attack is a relentless swarm of pestilential riffing. Invocation (who would later morph into Portal) counter with some excellent, mutant, mid-era Gorguts style death. Both bands kill, I am calling this one a draw, but the winner really is you the listener. This rules and the folks at Bird of Ill Omen just recently had the good sense to reissue this as a beautiful vinyl release.

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Mitä on Drunk

As far as I can tell, the name Maho Neitsyt translates to mean "Barren Virgin." The EP is called Mitä on Punk and it is a scant five-and-a-half minutes of sloppy, drunken Finnpunk with great slurring, wet-brain vocals. Finns have a rep for drinking a bit, and Maho Neitsyt were considered pretty loaded even by Finnish standards. Drink this in.

Panna Humalassa

Eschaton

Eschaton are fantastic Black Metal band from Greece that take a rather traditional melodic approach quite a bit like some of the French bands we love. After a couple of promising demos, and a split with the awesome Burial Hordes, Eschaton unleashed Cause Fortior, their debut full length. Really just a pure example of no-fucking-around Black Metal. Raw and chaotic, but full of beautiful, spindly riffs. Eschaton are one of those bands that comes along every so often and reminds us of what made Black Metal good in the first place. Stunning.

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Troubled

Troubled is an apt title for what you are about to hear. Were the New Creation a band of smiling hippies with guitars and tambourines, and most importantly, a message of salvation and eternal love, or were they a nefarious cult of acid-eating weirdos bent on twisting the gospel to serve their own hedonistic freaklust, or was this merely some awkward piece of evangelism targeting a hip young generation of flower children? Whatever they were, they were fucking creepy, and this fucked up record that sounds like The Shaggs meets The Velvet Underground is unbelievable. For instance, the song "Dig" is an upbeat little ditty denying evolution. On the track "Sodom and Gomorrah" the New Creation cheerfully sing about the sins of premarital sex and the end of the world, "You have been warned." The New Creation kids might seem nice enough when they give you a ride in their van and offer you a meal back at their ranch. One of their flaxen-haired maidens may even catch your eye, but don't take the bait, once the sun goes down and you are even farther from home, their faces distort and their shambling mirthful songs become twisted commands to see the nonbeliever torn asunder. These fucking hippies make the Manson family seem like the Rotary Club. Run for your fucking life.

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