Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Filth Hounds

A long time ago I found myself dating this girl outside of my tribe. She was a square. She was nice enough, and she was having sex with me so, even though I knew it was futile, I stayed in longer than I should have. She would have dinner parties, and I hated them. I hated her friends, I hated the food they ate, I hated the music they listened to, and I hated the shit they talked about. At one of these parties I had too much to drink, and found myself talking with a smug marina douchewand named Connor or Mason. I can't recall what the discussion was about, but before I knew it, I had bitch-slapped him hard. The look on his face was priceless, but when I saw the expression on my date I knew it was over whether I wanted it to be or not. With a rush of adrenaline, I grabbed a bottle of Glenfiddich, stuffed it into my bag, and headed out the door, never seeing her again. I got home and told my housemates what had happened. I pulled out the bottle and we drank it while playing dominoes and listening to Tank's Filth Hound of Hades. I had somewhat of an epiphany at that moment. I knew that I was exactly where I belonged. This album is the workaday everyman, the young joskin with a poorly rendered Grim Reaper tattoo who finds himself up against the stodgy status quo, buttondown dickbag squares and guys named Connor or Mason at a fucking dinner party. Why was I at a fucking dinner party?

45 comments:

Apoctosis said...

Aesop, I love this fucking writeup. Well done, sir...well done. Thanks for the album!

D'reen, as one of your housemates used to address me... said...

love this.

DiNo said...

Brilliant stuff! One of the first albums I ever bought, and one of the records I listened to the most.

D said...

Lovely story thanks - and great to hear Algy again.

Aylmer said...

Fuck man, that's beautiful. It's for this reason that I now feel estranged from most of my old friends. They've "grown up" and I seem to be a perpetual misfit. Thanks for sharing. And fuck dinner parties.

haricotvert said...

One of your better narratives. I just spit my coffee at the screen.

east kansas banger said...

To me this is one of the greatest NWOBHM albums ever. Brilliantly produced by Motorhead's Eddie Clark. Raw, Rough, Passionate and in your face the entire 39 minutes. Algy Ward (formerly of the Damned) delivers amazing vocals (ie. perfect for this album) and the rifs are top notch. this is one I continually throw on the make the world go away.
they kind of TANKED after this one eh? LOL

ben said...

fuggin genius to say the least. i can relate completely.

NO BEAST SO FIERCE said...

priceless story

e normous said...

Dunno about that, never underestimate free food.

ido said...

One of your best stories yet. You really should publish a book of them.

The record looks fun, too.

Chet the Medicine said...

truly, well done...

world's greatest DAD said...

hilarious. and i was there dude. different dinner party, OK, but i mean in my life. i was there. and it SUUUUUCCCKKED. So i dont know Tank but i will listen to it now in honors of Getting The Fuck Out of There. Anyone out there who is There and wants to Get The Fuck Out, let this post be a lesson to you: fuck the dinner party. you'll always have the music. it's the only one who ever stands by you.

Anonymous said...

i do love a good dinner party aswell
frammun

EXZOOMER said...

been there man..good honest shot i say.

redchapterjubilee said...

Upper class pussy will make you do stoopid shit sometimes. Been there, done that.

Moz said...

Christ I hate dinner parties. Every so often my girlfriend is forced into one by virtue of her day job/ academic musical pursuits and I get dragged along to some nice restaraunt/ yuppie apartment as "moral support" (ie: I have verbal diarrhea and usually drink too much of their expensive booze... she lseems to ove how it freaks out her bosses/ co-workers/ etc)

At the last one I got dragged to one of the seat warmers around the table asked me what a "bone awl" was, pointing at my homemade bone awl shirt with an air of greasy-smug superiority. I smiled as charmingly as I could and suggested he could shove one up his ass and tell his friends a bone awl was why he got his front teeth knocked out. We ate on in silence... except for Dee who could not stop giggling.

If she wasn't such an awesome guitarist I would never let her drag me to shit like that.

Addison said...

awesome writeup. Turn Your Head Around! this album is awesome

Daniel said...

My friends now x- girlfriend would have dinner parties...and he'd always beg for my girlfriend and I to show up to take some of the tension away.We'd get drunk and end up being not so politically correct...the look on his girlfriends face when El Duce quotes would start to fly was priceless. I guess...He Fell in Love with a Stormtrooper!!!!!

James said...

Wow, I'd forgotten about this, as a 12 year old kid I really wanted to buy this album but never had the cash... heard it on the local rock show enough at the time....thanks

Phil Vas said...

I remember a similar situation, only I left the apt. with a beautiful mallard decoy which later tumbled down a sewer after some sweet-talkin ho followed me outside and slipped it out of my backpack while sweet-talkin me. Ah, memories!

P.S. captcha=triduc

Milla said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
What a brilliant write up!

So, what food did you have?

2Trick said...

i've never laughed so hard from a blog post before. thanks, dude.

also, moz: that's also a hilarious story. cheers.

big boy said...

The Glenfiddich was your severance package.

thunderwing said...

thanks and love the story, ahaha. Been there maybe too many times.

nano247 said...

thank you for that great story and for sharing this music

Chet the Medicine said...

just gave this nugget a proper listen. besides relating wholeheartedly to the sentiments conveyed in your write-up (weird, that excursion we all try, dating outside the 'tribe' [i dated a girl who is a professor at penn state or some shit now]), these guys made me feel like i was back upstate [NY] at the county fair.

y'know, rocking out at the 'main stage' to the Ratt cover band, getting head on the ferris wheel, winning that motley crue mirror...


good times.


p.s. sorry for not leaving comments until just now (i've been a fan for a bit now [the ZZ Top rips and write-ups sealed the deal for me])

drunk on rock,


Chet the Medicine

pavel said...

missed the hearse this morning and only just read this. fucking glorious, dude. stoked to listen to this tomorrow.

mashmarlow said...

besides having consistently good music to download, the other part of your blog that i love is your knack for storytelling. what the fuck were you doing at a dinner party?

TMM said...

if this album had "Stepping on a Landmine" on it.......I would need no other Tank albums at all>.......

Doomstoned said...

Judge you I will not. Dinner parties, an elegant brunch, gay-ass cocktails, you've got to do what needs to be done to find warm depositories for your semen. The bottomline is, square pussy is still very much pussy all the same and in most cases, probably better maintained. Most females are rather square to begin with anyway unless you unlock them with powerful psychedelic tryptamines; it's just one of those biological imperatives. Fuck the squares, and dude, watch out for the goddamn cubes! "Stoneheads, junkies, & freaks" man.

Anonymous said...

What a story! Great.

Anonymous said...

Man, you could sell anything! Thank god its music and not used cars.

Checked this one out on the interwebs before but anything you post is always worth a second spin.

My only regret is that I didn't find it in time for my basement apt. dance party this weekend...

ifdead said...

Best write up.

Philip said...

Ha, that's a great story and this is a great album...BLOOD GUTS AND BEER

icoulddietomorrow said...

hahahahahaha

P A J O said...

I'd love to know what he said before you bitch-slapped him!!!

Slobodan Burgher said...

great stuff

Vill said...

BBBBiitcch SSSLAP! Pimp slap!

The whole affair sounds like a great Saturday night.

It is funny going to an event of this type, frequented by late 20s/30s aged professionals or those jaded by the bar scene.

At this last one I went to I ate this Japanese food item that had ginger. It, combined with Budweiser made my stomach quesy and I threw up in the bathroom. The guests that knew I did it just laughed and thought "Uh oh, somebody drank too much (laugh track)!". Even though I told them it was the ginger, it's like they mentally blocked it out my explanation and wanted to believe it was because I drank way too much.

small deformed penis said...

Well you didn't get the life support system for a vagina girlfriend but you got the good drink and jammed some good tunes! This story almost gave me hope for fifteen seconds then I had to switch hands and pull harder. The album does rock though, thanks for the hookup.

Tim said...

killer album....better than most NWOBHM outside of Priest and Motorhead.

SvartStøy said...

Fuck Yeah, i love this album, and am glad it made it up somewhere on someones blog. "Turn Your Head Around!"

Mike Smith said...

This record is fucking gospel. But is this supposed to be three separate hounds, or one three headed hound?

Anonymous said...

Awesome. I once had the pleasure of attending a dinner party where a friend spent a good 45 minutes arguing the cultural relevance of Carcass with (at) some smug pitchfork-quoting college kids who were reading through this rolling stone 'best 5000 beatles albums the beatles ever released beatles' bullshit book.

CIVIL CIVIC said...

I was introduced to this record by the brutal, denim-clad hessian who lived at the end of my block. It was '84, I was 14 and bands like Tank, Accept and Venom scared the shit out of me. It was the metal gateway, and I stepped through.
Thanks for the memories.