Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Japanese Monsters Are Assholes!

Ultraman was a very popular TV show from Japan in the late 1960s. Every episode this costumed warrior would dole out ass-beatings to a myriad of fucked-up monsters. "Why?" you dare ask, you tree-hugging, bleeding-heart, candy-pants, moonbat, sissy-mary? Because monsters are douchebags, every last one of them a raging fucktard ready to bend over and take a monster sized-dump all over Tokyo's happiness. Oh, but not if Ultraman has anything to say about it, sweet tits. This iron-balled hero of Japanese television has made it his life's work to implant his giant silver boot firmly in the ass of any monster that steps out of line. Oh, I can hear you whining about the flagrant human rights abuses supposedly perpetrated by Ultraman, but you might sing a different tune when one of these Eastern abominations decides to rape your sister or marry your cousin. 円谷プロダクション is a guy who truly understands the Japanese monster mind and decided to capture that pathos in his album, "Ultraman The CD." On the opening track you will hear a bunch of Ultraman monsters screaching and bellowing in an infernal overture of frenzied delight. Then what follows is a track for each monster. The songs range from Kraftwerk style electronica to southern rock, from tender ballads to film noiresque slinky jazz, from upbeat "feelin' great" party anthems to weird sinister metal. Each number is "sung" by the monster that inspired it, and each one a corny, hackneyed and embarassingly stupid romp. You might even recognize a few riffs here and there. It makes for a fine album spanning many styles for someone who enjoys hearing monsters yell and has a severe case of ADD. The tone of some numbers suggests that a few monsters are really just sad or misunderstood, some are very happy and fun-loving, but most seem to be saying "Fuck you Tokyo, Y'all don't know me!" Either way, Ultraman doesn't give a fuck and opens up a Sapporo-sized can of whoop-ass on all of them. Fuck 'em. Monsters are assholes.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=TTRCV25U

4 comments:

winslow said...

hahaha, why did nobody comment? this is a kickass rundown on this album. i'll have a listen just for that.

Aesop said...

Nobody commented because this was way back before anyone knew or cared about this site.

george said...

Brilliant, dude, thanks for the laugh, and for what's sure to be an illuminating listen. I've been jumping around your blog for a couple days now, and I've found so much good stuff I might never have heard-- but your write-ups totally seal the deal. Best Blog Ever!

PCM2 said...

I used to love that show!!! Our hero encounters grotesque, monstrous characters who proceed to beat ten different kinds of shit out of him. He's almost down for the count, when suddenly he gets his second wind, comes back from the dead, and saves the world yet again.

Oh wait, that was "The Passion of the Christ."